The "J" Word

I have to be honest and say that I do deal with jealousy sometimes.  I am not proud of the fact that this is a battle for me.  I have felt the sting of rejection so many times in my life.  It's easy sometimes to look at what I don't have, instead of what I do have.  Jealousy comes in many forms. 

I have C.P.  and there are some days that are better then others.  I was born early and as a result I was blessed with my CP.  I need to say that I am indeed very blessed from my disability. 
In the corner of my mind I also need to say that sometimes I am very jealous of others who don't struggle this way.  There isn't much I can't do.  I might have to do things differently then a "normal" person, however there did come a point when  I was tired of hearing people say I was a strong girl because I didn't understand the things I needed to overcome. I couldn't see the difference between others my age and me.  I never heard the words spoken by the doctors and if I did I just smiled.  I had a strong desire to drive Myself into what I needed to learn.  To me it was just the way life was supposed to be.  To those around me they were amazed by my ability to change anything to make it work for me.
After I had my children I noticed the change.  I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to do the same things with my kids that other moms did.  I could see a huge difference now between myself and others.  Inside I wanted to be better.  I wanted to run with my kids.  I wanted to carry them around.  I wanted, wanted and wanted.    I started to get angry for what God didn't give me (Tears).  Now my CP didn't effect only me, my kids were suffering for it (so I thought). 

My kids are teaching me that it's OK to ask for help.   Sometimes it’s OK to refuse to be strong.  They are OK with my limitations, it was me who wasn't OK.  I didn't want those limits.  I wanted it my way. 
Do you know that when they were young it was hard for others to watch them because they were always fussy.    It didn't take long to figure out the problem....when I walked with my kids to sooth them I did so with a limp.  A limp that only I could provide. They liked my limp because when other people would walk with them it felt different and it didn't comfort them.    This helped me to see that I didn't need to be jealous of what others could do.  My way works for me! 
 
Now I cant honestly say that I wish I didn't struggle so and I wish I didn't hurt because I would love to be able to be healed of my CP.  I can say that it has also been a blessing and God has a plan.

Turning those thoughts around is key.  Sure I have issues and it isn't always pleasant but I also have 3 beautiful children that I was never going to be able to have!!!!!  I have done the impossible (with God) more times then not.  God has shown me that I can do what others have deemed impossible.
Not to be jealous of what I don't have but to be thankful for the things he has given to me.

               

How to make this work

When people upset me I stuff those feelings down over and over again.  To pretend all is well when my insides are falling apart is an art form I have mastered.  Releasing those stuffed feelings is NOT something that comes natural to me.  I won't let a soul know that I have stuffed over and over again, but once the time is right everyone will know loud and clear that I have indeed had enough.
I know when I am getting to my full mark because I start to build a wall in the hopes of putting off the inevitable.  I hide behind the stuff that I have STUFFED instead of being honest about the way I really feel for fear of upsetting others.  I hide behind it. 
I need to ask myself what it is that I really want!  What will make things better?  If I cant answer that then I know that I need to change something.  My bar is set way to high for others to even reach, making it impossible for anyone to measure up and satisfy my need.  So the tension keeps building, boiling even. 
Finding out what I really want will help me to "cut through the emotion and focus on a good solution" .  Getting past being a stuffer can be done if I am willing to change my focus and retrain my thought patterns.  God will help me as long as I seek him in a big way!!   Sometimes I forget to go to God in the first place.  The way I process things now isn't working.  My actions are based on my emotions not on reality.  Changing my focus should help me to develop new habits.  Leaning on God more and listening to him instead of myself will also help me.  I do need a good set of directions to do this. My BIBLE is a wonderful manual that is packed full of truths that I can count on.  My bible sets the foundation for my manual.  Its the core of my procedure manual.  Once that is locked into place the sub titles will follow.  For now I figure I need a starting point and I love they way Lysa Terkeurst lays out her procedure manual.  I love each direction so for now I will try and use her steps.  I have a great outline to follow.  The insides of my manual may change but the core will always remain the same.  4 simple steps......

Remember who you are....
Redirect your focus to Jesus....
Recognize God's job isn't my job....
Recite thanks and praises to God....

I love these four R's

I have to share another quote from Lysa that speaks volumes to me "My reactions determine my reach"  Love this !!!


Chapter 7 is amazing. I love the idea of Positioning my heart in the flow of Gods power. If I surrender to Gods will then the rest will fall into place. The bible is nothing but truth. Having a strong foundation built on the truth of Christ has to give us power. It will backup and encourage every thought we have. Thats power thats strength. Thats God!! Its funny how some procedure manuals get outdated and have to be revised, but not my Bible. Its information never is outdated. When our thoughts change about a scripture that we had read before and it took on a new meaning to us thats just God doing maintance on us based on where we are in him. The words dont ever change but he changes our focus. As long as we let him!

Glad I am not a leaf

Driving down the road and my little Emma Say's "Mommy look at the tree's aren't they beautiful?"  Yes Emma they are very pretty.  Fall is my favorite time of year.  She proceeds to tell me that she was so glad that she wasn't a leaf.  Why would you say that Emma? 
If I was a leaf I might fall from the tree and get stepped on.  I might even get ripped.  What would happen if I blew away?  You might have a hard time finding me because alot of leaves look the same.

She put alot of thought into her response.  Got me to thinking about the way I respond to others.  Do I put thought into my responses or do I just spew out my words without thinking them through.  I love the way my little girl thinks.  Her mind is new and so simple.  She sees things as they are without the fancy words or cover ups.  How much better would our lives be if we allowed everything to stay simple? 

God put that that much thought into us.  He really did.  He is who he says he is.  He crafted us with such thought.  As we grow we let the world refine us.  Sometimes so much that we can't remember who we really are.  If I were a leaf and I blew away God would find me because even though alot of leafs look the same they are still different and God pays attention to the details.  He loves me that much!  We are each different yet so much alike.  Some of us blow away from him during times in our lives but God knows exactly where we are and when we let him rake us up he places us in a huge pile of love!!

Seeds or Fruit

I often wonder how so many different emotions live under one skull.  It's a good thing we have the ability to create new thought patterns.  I can be the exploder who doesn't care what I say or who I say to.  I can't take back the hurtful things that come out of my mouth.  I need to become aware of what triggers these raw emotions so I can work on them BEFORE they spew out.  I have a choice on how to react.  I have a choice!  My way isn't working it only hinders it doesn't help.  I feel like I am always taking great care of Satan.  I pay attention to him, feed him, just like he wants.  Being in Gods will is in my reach.  It isn't unreachable like Satan makes me feel.  I fall into his lap.  1st Peter 5:8 says~ Stay alert!  Watch out for your great enemy, the devil.  He prowls around like a roaring Lion, looking for someone to devour.  Boy if that isn't the truth.

I can also be a stuffer.  I can find the biggest hole and just fill it for days, weeks and even years.  Not only am I stuffing the hurts but I am stuffing the hope of healing.  I am stuffing the seeds of growth that would grow if they wernt in a dark pit.  People don't have to see my seeds before they see my fruit.  It doesn't matter the seeds I bury that's not what others see.  They can tell who I am by the fruit I carry.  Being weighed down and having no light in the dark places of my heart stunts the growth that God intended me to have. 

I need to ask myself what it is that I want.  What will make things better.  I set the bar too high and I know that the relationships affected can't meet my expectation which festers more anger and bitterness.  So if I really want something from them I have to keep it reasonable.  Healing is the goal.  Not hurting.  What will help things to get better.  Perfect isn't always good.  Imperfect seems to be the way to go.  Be OK with imperfect as long as It's progress, because then it's healing of some sort.  I think I know my prayer tonight!

Chapter 3 wrap up

Matthew 14: 22-32

I need to make more room in my day to be alone with God. It will help my relationship with him and help to prepare me for the challenges and struggles I will face. It will help me grow spiritually.

I need to react in faith instead of my feelings. When we take our minds off God we start to sink to the things around us. We have good intentions but fear takes over and our faith wobbles. When that does happen and it will I need to seek God and ask for his help. He is always there.
...

John 18: 15-17

Peter denied God 3 times. I have done this also when I was pressured. All we need to do is go to him and ask for forgiveness. No sin is to big that God wont forgive if we repent and turn from it. So many times my doubt has shaken my faith.

John 21: 15-17

Jesus proves to Peter that he does know the truth. To say we love God is not enough. We also have to serve him. Once we surrender to the commitment to serve him everything changes. We act on our faith in every part of our lives.

Ephesians 2:10 ~ For we are Gods masterpiece. He has created us anew in Jesus Christ, so we can do good things he planned for us long ago.

If we are his masterpiece we have to treat ourselves as such!

Freedom

Freedom

Sometimes it does feel like I am a prisoner.  A prisoner of my own thoughts and feelings.  You can feel so locked up WITHOUT those bars.  We tend to label others based on where WE think they might have been.  We label them and place them on the shelf of our choice.  I am guilty here.  To have a label define someone is terrible but we do it often with out even a second thought. The more we let others label us the easier it is to BELIEVE how others perceive us.  I have even labeled myself with things that have had a negative impact in my life.  We tend to believe what we feel.  We are so attached to the emotion that it becomes had to separate.  That old saying about sticks and stones and names will never hurt us isn't true in my eyes.  Names do HURT.  So before we try and label others we need to pay attention to the emotions that might be tied to it.  Another thought here is that God labels us as his children.  He puts the real label on us and he seals it with his promises.  If you, if I feel the label of Gods love LET him stick it on.  Don't tear it off and don't let others pull it off.  Lets Gods label stay. 

"Oh God chisel me.  I don't want to be locked in my hard places forever" ~ Lysa Terkeurst
I love this word picture.  Can you imagine our God shaping us into who we are really supposed to be.  Taking out the bad spots and letting the new in to take it's place.  We can't just get rid of everything in our life that hinders us.  If we did we would be left with holes.  We need to replace those holes with good.  The right stuff.  God stuff.  Then we can become a whole person again.  So as I allow God to "Chisel" may I trust his craftsmanship.

Chapter 2 Unglued

1...Putting Things in perspective helps to keep us from losing control.  Realizing we can't control everything will help us to stay relaxed and think clearly.  New thoughts come from new perspectives.

2...When an emotion is tied to this thought pattern, the memory trace grows exponentially stronger.  If a thought is tied to a strong emotion the memory becomes deeper because we repeatedly access that thought.

3...Renewing our minds with new thoughts is crucial because new thoughts come from new perpectives.  It keeps us out of the negitive and helps us to move forward.

4...Romans 12:2  Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think, then youb will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good, and pleasing and perfect//God wants us to have renewed minds.  He wants us to obey him not the world.  If we let him lead our lives the rest of the world shouldn't matter.
2nd Corinthians 10:5  We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God.  We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.// We have to give God the control over our thoughts.  We have to choose which we want to think on and recognize the difference between the wrong thoughts and the Christ centered ones.  I have to just pray that I will give God the control of my thoughts.  Trust him to guide my thoughts.  I need the Holy Spirit in my life.  More word.  More prayer.  I have to prepare for temptation.  So I can shut it out when it happens.  I need to instill a plan to be able to redirect myself.  Like dieting I dont stick with it cause I give in to temptation.  It's the way I perpare my heart. 

5...When I am faced with a situation out of control I do have two choices.  The world and God.  Which will I pick?  If I slow down and listen I think I would choose God.  Most of the time I dont even listen or realize my decisions aren't the best.  I need to be sensitive to the Lord and prepare my heart to seek him.  I need to research the cause that made me stray.  Preparing my heart will help me to make those decisions.

6...I am a freak out woman  if it's possible to get my heart so right and fixed on him then I need to start in advance and not wait until my back is against a wall.  I cannot listen to the world TONIGHT!  One day one choice Imperfect progress.