The "J" Word

I have to be honest and say that I do deal with jealousy sometimes.  I am not proud of the fact that this is a battle for me.  I have felt the sting of rejection so many times in my life.  It's easy sometimes to look at what I don't have, instead of what I do have.  Jealousy comes in many forms. 

I have C.P.  and there are some days that are better then others.  I was born early and as a result I was blessed with my CP.  I need to say that I am indeed very blessed from my disability. 
In the corner of my mind I also need to say that sometimes I am very jealous of others who don't struggle this way.  There isn't much I can't do.  I might have to do things differently then a "normal" person, however there did come a point when  I was tired of hearing people say I was a strong girl because I didn't understand the things I needed to overcome. I couldn't see the difference between others my age and me.  I never heard the words spoken by the doctors and if I did I just smiled.  I had a strong desire to drive Myself into what I needed to learn.  To me it was just the way life was supposed to be.  To those around me they were amazed by my ability to change anything to make it work for me.
After I had my children I noticed the change.  I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to do the same things with my kids that other moms did.  I could see a huge difference now between myself and others.  Inside I wanted to be better.  I wanted to run with my kids.  I wanted to carry them around.  I wanted, wanted and wanted.    I started to get angry for what God didn't give me (Tears).  Now my CP didn't effect only me, my kids were suffering for it (so I thought). 

My kids are teaching me that it's OK to ask for help.   Sometimes it’s OK to refuse to be strong.  They are OK with my limitations, it was me who wasn't OK.  I didn't want those limits.  I wanted it my way. 
Do you know that when they were young it was hard for others to watch them because they were always fussy.    It didn't take long to figure out the problem....when I walked with my kids to sooth them I did so with a limp.  A limp that only I could provide. They liked my limp because when other people would walk with them it felt different and it didn't comfort them.    This helped me to see that I didn't need to be jealous of what others could do.  My way works for me! 
 
Now I cant honestly say that I wish I didn't struggle so and I wish I didn't hurt because I would love to be able to be healed of my CP.  I can say that it has also been a blessing and God has a plan.

Turning those thoughts around is key.  Sure I have issues and it isn't always pleasant but I also have 3 beautiful children that I was never going to be able to have!!!!!  I have done the impossible (with God) more times then not.  God has shown me that I can do what others have deemed impossible.
Not to be jealous of what I don't have but to be thankful for the things he has given to me.